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SPF
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PostSubject: Relationsip Advice.   Sat May 23, 2009 9:46 pm

I started this thread because I feel like there are many wise people here that can offer me (or others) a variety of outside opinions. I thank you in advance for reading this long thread!
The basic Information
From September 2007 to March 2009 I was in a very serious relationship with a man named Jeff. He is in the army. When I was a sophomore in college he was a senior so he graduated in spring 2008. Currently he is in the “real” world while I am going to be a senior in college. I am 20 he is 23. Our relationship was magic to say the least. He treated me like a queen and we had a great connection.
The situation.
Jeff came to visit me at school in March for 2 weeks because he had 2 weeks off b/c he was changing stations. He was working at the ROTC office while I attended class. I first 6 days was fine no problems (except that my mom visited and he hated her and said I should be glad he loves me lol). That day I mentioned how I missed him writing me nice love letters. He said he stopped b/c he was very busy with training, I said I understand. That night I took him to an awesome 80s party and I dressed up in 80s fashion. I went to introduce him to my friends but then we decided we hated frat boys and left. He told me he thinks the army is changing him b/c he used to think it was funny that I was ok with looking absolutely ridiculous, but now he was afraid he was loosing that “fun”. Sunday morning he wakes up a sad man and wont tell me what is wrong (this is out of nowhere. I only mention the 80s party b.c that’s the only possible thing that could have caused this behavior). He stays sad and bothered until Wednesday when I finally get him to burst. He says he has been thinking about our relationship. I panic. That Friday he breaks up with me, even though he claims to love me. He looked like he just watched someone die.
Here are the reasons
His new job will require him to work 12-14 hours a day
His new position is stress full and is bigger than his training prepared him for.
His training is preparing to leave for Iraq this summer and he will be dealing with life and death. He wont be able to be in a relationship with this work commitment, especially long distance.
After Iraq he could be a different man. Who know who and were I (me) will be in a year.
Timing is too hard
He told my roomates that he could not give me the attention I deserve (is this all BS ??)
My arguments- we are a great match
We have been long distance for 8 months now.
We have had a great relationship
I am applying/can apply to schools near base, and we would marry after he gets back
My job in health care can be taken anywhere
I can give him support for his hard days.
I am willing to deal with his long work hours, I am dedicated.
I will be graduated my the time he returns, ready for the “real” world
Timing is hard but I can work with it. You cant predict the future but your actions can help.

We don’t talk much now, I want to talk more but sometimes he doesn’t always respond to e-mails. He is busy or ignoring me. I miss him and love him. I am hurt. I feel like we could have stayed together. Is he making lame excuses? I pop in to say hi and plan to when he is in Iraq b/c he needs someone who care…or should I forget about him.
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PostSubject: Re: Relationsip Advice.   Sat May 23, 2009 9:51 pm

My main questions. Why would someone who loves you break up with you?? He knows I am supportive and will visit him at least 4 times before he leaves for Iraq. WTF

Also, should I forget about him or keep up with him. I really feel he is right for me (or am I too young to say that).


HAHA I spelled relationship wrong. I was very nervous in writing this!
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PostSubject: Re: Relationsip Advice.   Sat May 23, 2009 10:56 pm

Oh, honey- that's awful!

Here's my take:

1. Dumping
A person can dump someone and still be in love with them. I dumped my first boyfriend. I still loved him. I really did. But I realized we were in different places in life and had different goals. After 3 years together I saw that each of us could go further apart. I cried. He cried. It was very difficult. But it was the right choice.

2. Long distance relationships are hard, and military ones especially. I have known women... coworkers and friends, who became lonely and frustrated from lack of contact with their deployed lovers and began cheating on them. My friend Pat was married to a soldier in the first gulf war. She made her second husband promise that he'd never, ever enlist.

Point is, it's rough. It's has broken women who were fully prepared. This is both a warning to you and a possible insight into Jeff. Maybe he's heard horror stories from his friends and is scared. Distance tries a person's trust, and without trust you have nothing.

BUT it sounds like you're up for the game. You're a tough chick. I may be getting things confused but if I remember correctly you were a goth high school cheerleader (smack me if I'm wrong) so you're used to adversity.

3. Looks.
My mother remarked the other day that she never understood how me and my sister were so "superficial"- how we worry about whether a guy is "our kind of cool" and whether or not our friends would approve. There was a time when I was embarassed to date a non-goth. I used cringe at my current boyfriend's favorite outfit- khakis with teva sandals. But my mom's right. Love is so much more than style. Someone who resonates with you will get that. Loving you means loving the eyeliner.

4. The problem-
you bring a lot to the table and he should appreciate and accept that. He should respect the way you want to occasionally go out in full, quirky regalia. He should see that you're intelligent, hard working, and want to make this relationship succeed! But you're in a poor position to take the offensive and demand that he respect you, since you're right now just pleading to get him back. Once you get him back, what then? Will he respect you the way you are?

5. What prompted this-
The frequency of profound love letters often naturally declines as the relationship goes on. Doesn't necessarily mean anything. I'm sure yall still called, texted, messaged, chatted or whatever. That's still different from being together. Perhaps it wasn't the '80 party. Perhaps he realized that several months without seeing one another face to face during this epic, formative time in a person's life had taken you- personal-growth-wise to a place he could no longer understand. Or perhaps the reverse is true.

6. Conclusion-
Your relationship is on life support. It may not work out. If I were you, or even the me of 3 years ago, I would hold onto him with all my might. But that's not who I am now... my heart breaks for you, but I don't know that this will work out. I know that's not what you wanted to hear. I feel bad for saying it. I almost hope someone posts right after me saying the opposite.
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PostSubject: Re: Relationsip Advice.   Sun May 24, 2009 10:11 pm

I appreciate your honesty very much! Really its good. Thank you for your support.

And you are right I am a goth cheerleader. I cheer in college too lol, but that sh*t is hard. It takes a lot of skill.

I speak with his mother frequently and she says he had a freak out.

I have learned that when times get hard you should keep the people you are about close and not push them away. His moms says he is trying to protect me and that he is not thinking.

Long distance is hard true, but I saw him every month in person. Can long distance ever work?????

Right now I will say hi once in a while and when he gets to Iraq I will write him letters (old school style lol).

Also, is it possible for people to re-fall in love after a long time apart?????
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PostSubject: Re: Relationsip Advice.   Sun May 24, 2009 10:44 pm

There are people that were highschool sweethearts that ended up for some reason or another with someone else and it not work out. Then only to find each other once again after many years and be just as much, if not more, in love with one another than they had been all thoses years ago.

So if people are ment to be together, then time apart won't stop them "falling in love" all over again.
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PostSubject: Re: Relationsip Advice.   Mon May 25, 2009 5:12 pm

Aw SPF, that's a lot to deal with! I'm really sorry you're hurting. hug

Emmature detailed the thoughts that were popping into my head when I read your first post. I agree with what she had to say -- there are a lot of things to consider, and only a handful over which you have control. Cynfullov has a good point too; if it's meant to be, it will be.

If he was a civilian and not in the service, I would say, Oh, this business of protecting you and fear of growing apart is BS. But these are things that probably do go through a soldier's mind. His mom may be right about him freaking out about his deployment and trying to protect you; maybe his deployment is more of an emotional challenge than he expected. And maybe he is genuinely trying to protect you from the joyless person he thinks he'll become. Could also be that he's genuinely changing, and that he wants you to continue being who you are and not feel pressure to bend with his changes. Could be all of the above.

I'm sorry; I guess that's not very helpful. The big question is, what do you do now? Well, even though his reasons don't make sense, the best thing is probably to go with his choice. And I'm sorry to say that -- but it is better than the pain of trying with someone who, for whatever reason, can't reciprocate.

I am really sorry, SPF. The future can hold just about anything -- maybe he will come around once he feels sure of himself again, or maybe you'll find someone who is fun and loving and able to give of himself, in which case Jeff would certainly be happy to know you are happy.

Let me know how things go. And don't feel alone; you're not. hug
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PostSubject: Re: Relationsip Advice.   Mon May 25, 2009 6:15 pm

^^^Thank you for that. Any opinions really help.

I see how hard it is to be together. In a year I will be attending a new school. I dont know where, but if its not near him then we have no chance. It seems more logical to stay together so I can apply near his base. BTW he is in Washington state which is awesome. I would want to go to school there anyway.

Its just so strange for someone who wanted to marry you say that they cant be with you. Its not like we were an unhappy couple.
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PostSubject: Re: Relationsip Advice.   Mon May 25, 2009 7:30 pm

I'm sorry SPF but I do agree with Red Angel on this.

I think for your own sake in the long run you are better off taking his word and walking away.

His world has changed.

I have had a number of friends in the "services" and it does make things difficult.

Take care.
XXX
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PostSubject: Re: Relationsip Advice.   Mon May 25, 2009 10:33 pm

^^

I guess we will have to see where time takes me. Maybe we will both be on the same page one day, or maybe we wont.

I never begged him back. I just said things feel more empty, he agreed. I just keep friendly conversation (when he is not working 14 hours)

His mom went to a wedding last saturday. The couple were sweethearts at 15, broke up after high school, married different people that they divorced, then found each other again. - like cynfullov's story lol

I guess life can be full of many twists and turns.
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