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 Help! Advice please!

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Nightmistress
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PostSubject: Help! Advice please!   Wed Feb 04, 2009 9:00 pm

Ok so I met this really awesome guy last year at school. For awhile we were just friends and then at the begining of this year he told me that he liked me and asked me to be his girlfriend. I said yes and everything was great then we went on Christmas break. For the two weeks I didn't get to talk to him at all which was ok because we don't talk on the phone because both of us aren't big fans of talking for hours on the phone we would talk on the computer, and he was at his dads house where he doesn't have a computer. So I get back from Christmas break and I don't see him, this goes on for a week. I left him a couple messages on the computer, but he wasn't on at all. So after a week and a half I call his house and talk to his grandfather who tells me he moved in with his dad in East Hartford which is about a half hour away. His grandfather didn't have the number, but told me to call back the next day to get the number. After talking to his mom, for the first time, I got the number. I call and it turns out it's his stepmom's cell phone, she was out so I gave her my number and she told me she'd give it to him. It has been almost three weeks and he still hasn't called me back.

I'm not sure what I should do. Should I call him back? Should I guess let it go and forget about him? I've been going crazy trying to figure out what's going on. Is this his way of breaking up with me or what? I mean I really like him and I thought he really liked me. I just don't know what to do. Can anyone offer me any advice on what to do?

He is a really shy guy and cares about other peoples feelings. I know he wouldn't want to do something to hurt me, atleast I don't think he would, which is why I think he is just afraid to tell me because he doesn't want to hurt me, but I don't know.

Please help me.


Oh and sorry if this is kind of long, I really needed to vent. lol.
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PostSubject: Re: Help! Advice please!   Wed Feb 04, 2009 9:44 pm

Thanks for telling me what type of guy he is, it helps to form a more clear opinion as I consider myself a shy, sensative/empathetic person so hopefully my personal experiences can help.

I'm not the type of person who usually breaks up with someone, usually get dumped, but in the few instances I want to break up with someone... I'll typically just ignore them and move on with my life. Then again some days/weeks I'll do that and it's simply because I'm stressed, depressed, and/or just simply want to be alone.

If I had to guess... it may be one or the other with him.
As he recently moved in with his father, I'm sure that wasn't an easy transition... moving rarely is and of itself can be quite stressful. Factor in the family situation and I'm sure it's even more pressing.
Some people will just... pull away from the people they care about and isolate themselves as its easier to be alone in times of great stress, depression, etc. I suppose it's a form of natural reaction or instinct to protect oneself.

There's at least two things you can do depending how you feel about the situation:

1) Keep calling until you finally get ahold of him and don't hang up, regardless of if he wants to talk or doesn't "want" to - make him... even if it takes hours. See what is on his mind, talk about how he feels about whats going on in his life... then towards the end inquire about you two if, by that point, things haven't cleared up. Communication is important and neither of you will get anywhere with out it... and it may be he needs someone strong to stand firm and reach out to him especially if he's not doing "well".

2) The other option is basically give up. There's some cases in which I'll want to be alone yet at the same time I'll want someone to keep repeatedly reaching out to me and, eventually, I'll come around for them... just need persistence. However, there's times when persistence can only go so far and it comes down to you:
Either keep on trying until you can complete option #1 or stop calling and move on... maybe wait 1 or (at the most) 2 more weeks but any more than that if he still hasn't gotten in contact with you, you have every right to continue on with your life.

If you go with option #2... don't go at it half-assed. There's a chance that later on he'll call but, by that point, you don't have to drop everything else going on in your life for him as it's your life, he pushed you away, and you deserve to continue on living your life your way to its fullest and not to live in the past "just in case" or for "his convenience".

From my personal, recent experience... I'd have wished mine would have been persistent a little longer... but I waited too long to get in touch with her and assume I'm single.
Not always do "good things come to those who wait"... sometimes if you wait too long in one place you'll miss other, better and/or important opportunities.

Whatever you decide, you should consider yourself first and do what is best for you.
hug good luck
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PostSubject: Re: Help! Advice please!   Wed Feb 04, 2009 10:02 pm

Meh.

I get some people might get stressed... some people might want to be alone for a while... and that's ok. But you need to tell the other person. It's not a matter of being shy or not... it's a matter of having the tiniest ounce of respect for the other person not to leave them hanging wondering what's going on for months. Doesn't have to be in person, doesn't have to be over the phone... even an email is at least something. You can't just leave someone for months not knowing a thing what's going on and then expect them to have not moved on with their lives.

Don't even bother calling him or leaving messages or any of that. It takes 30 seconds to write an email that says "hey, some things recently changed in my life during the holidays and I'm going to need a little time to myself."

If he can't be arsed to the even that for you, you shouldn't be arsed to even think about trying to chase him around or track him down.

Maybe he had some changes that couldn't be helped... maybe he met someone else and is too chicken sh*t to man up and tell you, or hopes you'll still be there in case things don't work out for him... maybe it's one of another hundred different things. Doesn't matter.

Move on.

Look at the bright side... he wasn't me... so that means you can always do better. Very Happy
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PostSubject: Re: Help! Advice please!   Wed Feb 04, 2009 10:27 pm

The fellas have made some important points, particularly Ravenwind's comment on communication being important in a relationship and Madelchai's comment on letting you know what's up if the guy really cares about and respects you (both also mandatory). The tough part for women, I think, is the decision of how much slack to give.

You *do* have the right to know what's up, or at the very least that he hasn't forgotten about you. He may be under stress, yes; he may have found someone else, but I doubt that what with being busy moving; either way, he should get in touch.

In your shoes, I'd be tempted to put him out of my mind, i.e. "the ball's in his court; I can't be the only one trying to keep things going." But about 10 years ago I was pretty different; I would have tried to get in touch for closure if nothing else. I'm not sure which choice is right for you, but I know this: once you're getting more pain than good times out of this, walk away.

I once dated a guy in college (I know, battle stories; bare with me) for about a year, but he had issues with depression for which he hadn't effectively found ways to cope. One day, which turned into 2 weeks, he just began avoiding me. It broke my heart; suffice to say I was treating myself pretty unhealthfully as a result of this wordless rejection. Then one day, he waltzed back in; said something like "now I know where I really belong." And all I could think was, "Yeah, until next time." My trust was wrecked and I broke up with him. He blamed me, and I moved on. I guess what I'm trying to say is, the one who really cares about you and respects you won't be so wrapped up in himself that he puts you in pain.

Good luck, fellow CT girl. hug Keep us posted.
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PostSubject: Re: Help! Advice please!   Thu Feb 05, 2009 5:32 pm

Madelchai wrote:

Look at the bright side... he wasn't me... so that means you can always do better. Very Happy
ROFL


Thanks for the help all of you. You all made some really good points. I'm not 100% on what I'm going, but I think I'm just going to move on. If he can't even bother to at least call me back he's not worth my time and no matter what happens it's over between us. Even though I would like to know the reason why he couldn't even call it's not worth calling a million times to find out why and trying to get it out of him.

Again thanks for the all the help. hug

If anything else happens I'll update.
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PostSubject: Re: Help! Advice please!   Thu Feb 05, 2009 7:29 pm

Madelchai; "Look at the bright side... he wasn't me... so that means you can always do better."

FTmf'nW

I agree with most here, don't call him anymore. You've already gone more then halfway, and any more effort on you're part is too much. It could be taken out of context in so many ways, and won't change much. The ball is in his court, and if doesn't feel like making an effort, it sucks, but you'll have to pay the game with someone else then. His loss, for whatever reason he has for being lazy or seclusive.
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PostSubject: Re: Help! Advice please!   Fri Feb 06, 2009 6:44 pm

I have to agree with Spooky here. If he hasn't bothered to make any effort babe then just leave it. I know it may hurt but you are far too good to be treated that way and it will be his loss. Relationships work by both parties making the effort, if one stops then it's just a dead end.

Sorry if that sounded harsh but I hate people messing other people about

I hope whatever you decide to do that it makes you happy because that's the most important thing hug

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PostSubject: Re: Help! Advice please!   Sat Feb 07, 2009 4:48 pm

Thanks everyone! hug You've been very helpful. Yeah so i sent him an e-mail pretty much saying that if he wanted to break up with me he should of told me instead of running away. So I'm just going to move on and forget about him. Still not really happy it had to come to this, but it's better then sitting around waiting for someone who doesn't care about me and I'll get over it and find someone who's worth my time. Again thanks for all your help. hug
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PostSubject: Re: Help! Advice please!   Sun Feb 08, 2009 1:39 am

It's what I'm here for!

I'm nothing if not a giver! Very Happy
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PostSubject: Re: Help! Advice please!   Sun Feb 08, 2009 4:01 pm

Nightmistress wrote:
Thanks everyone! hug You've been very helpful. Yeah so i sent him an e-mail pretty much saying that if he wanted to break up with me he should of told me instead of running away. So I'm just going to move on and forget about him. Still not really happy it had to come to this, but it's better then sitting around waiting for someone who doesn't care about me and I'll get over it and find someone who's worth my time. Again thanks for all your help. hug

I'm glad you've got it worked out, Nightmistress! grin
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PostSubject: Re: Help! Advice please!   Mon Apr 06, 2009 8:02 pm

I finally heard from him last week. I got a text message from him the other day, he just got a cell phone. He said he was sorry my feelings got hurt, his mom kicked him out and that he didn't want to move. He also said he wasn't able to get to a computer to tell me. I do feel a lot better now that I know what happened since that was driving me crazy. I don't think I'll ever understand how a mom could kick her son out of the house though, that just doesn't make sense to me.
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PostSubject: Re: Help! Advice please!   Mon Apr 06, 2009 9:55 pm

Hm. Good to get closure, at least. Neutral If you want to stay in touch with him, I wouldn't tell you yes or no, but just bear your own happiness in mind. Smile
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