So, I wrote this two years ago for class, about the state of American marriage. I figure it could be slightly relevant to this subject. It's a bit long, be forewarned.
What is the state of marriage in the United States today? This is the question which fuels this paper, a question I find difficult to answer, and perhaps it is my personal feelings on the matter causing this. The first difficultly I have is trying to separate what marriage is, from what it is thought to be, from what it was once perceived as, and what it should have been all along. Marriage, like most topics in this country, has become something molded by every group and organization, making change or challenge to their perception of it viewed as an attack, a crime, a foolish undertaking, or a sin. Marriage has become a standard or institution within the social and personal lives of our citizens, when it should be considered a practice or an idea. A practice refers to something constantly worked on, something which is never mastered. While an idea can grow, it can change, allowing time and experience to reshape it along with the person. An institution or standard is a bit harder to reshape or change, because they’re not made to give in, doing so would lessen the very need for them to exist. An institution or a standard seem to trap you in a way, narrowing personal beliefs or differences until there seems to be only one route deemed proper. So then, you still want to know what I think the state of marriage in the United States is; it’s tired and tumultuous.
This essay would ask me to actually define marriage, in my own words of course, but first I’d like to look at how marriage is defined literally. The New Oxford American Dictionary defines marriage as follows:
marriage ▸ N ➀ the formal union of a man and a woman, typically recognized by law, by which they become husband and wife ■ similar long term relationship between partners of the same sex ■ a relationship between married people or the period for which it lasts. (1039)
Well that lays it all out on the table for us, except for all the pesky differences that we human beings who live in America seem to have, and any sense of self or emotion. The definition of marriage, makes the very act seem like something that came off an assembly line, some type of technical process. I’d like to define marriage as; “A new step in an already existing relationship, where two people declare themselves legally, socially and emotionally obligated to one another. Where religion, gender, sexual preference or social standard are only personal decoration and custom for the wedded couple.” That’s how I’d like to define marriage, but I don’t see Oxford letting me put that one in their dictionary anytime soon.
Defining marriage might be hard in the country for a number of reasons, but discussing the state of marriage is closer to being a joke. The way love, sex and relationships are paraded before us and made a mockery of on television, radio, music and film; has destroyed any sense of worth for these in our society. Marriages are ending all the time, yet the public seems to only care when it’s a shocking statistic or some juicy tabloid-celebrity divorce. We make celebrity break-ups sensational to pacify some public need to destroy our idols, but divorce statistics still seem to shock us when they come up. I wonder who are these people appalled by the number of divorces in this nation, and what are their reasons for this? Are these upset masses still clinging to the idea that marriage is a sacred union which cannot be broken? Are they buying into some 1950's social propaganda, where ending a marriage is not just a social taboo, but a “sin” to the predominantly “God Fearing” nation? If so, then they should ask themselves how many of those marriages of decades past were held together by fear and guilt, then by the love and trust which should keep it held strong? Fear and guilt that your life was over the second the marriage ended, that your family, neighbors, and children refused you the right to walk away from something that wasn’t decent. The American of today isn’t completely fooled by this thought process, but everyone still seems to be running to get married when, it remains such an unstable lifestyle.
Divorce happens all the time in America, and when it does we call it a “failed marriage”, and I find myself disagreeing with this terminology. Divorce is the product of a failed relationship, because people change, and they fall out of love just as easily as they fall into it. Relationships end all the time, and this is excepted, but a divorce is still considered a bad thing? Sadly I feel a divorce is merely the legal ending of a relationship that became taxable, which doesn’t say much about my opinion of marriage. So I wonder for the sake of argument how we can prevent these divorces, these taxable relationships from coming to a dreaded end. What can keep American marriages happy and long lasting? For right now everybody who’s written something on the subject seems to have a different take on it, and all are assured that their view is what’s going to hold people together.
The two most common topics discussed about the problems and solutions of marriage happen to be two of my favorite things: sex and money. Now I won’t state I’m an expert on either subject, but I have been in possession of both too little and too much of each. The topic of sex in marriage can take plenty of different avenues, one of course would be sexual-preference, but I’m of the sound opinion that who you have sex with shouldn’t determine your right to get married. I recall a crazy notion that we have the freedom to pursue happiness, and a freedom of religion here in America. Which I believe should make it quite clear, that if someone else doesn’t agree with gay marriage or cries their religion says it’s wrong, tough.
This isn’t the sex I’m talking about though; for what we’re talking about happens to be monogamy, and if it’s a plausible human trait. Aside from geese, penguins, certain types of otters, and a few other mammals; are we humans honestly asking ourselves to live with only one sexual partner? Geese and otters live fifteen years in a relative small ecosystem, while human beings can live nearly a century on a planet which we can travel unobstructed, where we number in the billions. But just one for you though, that’s it, once you’ve found that one special someone in all the world, in all the billions of people, then you’re done. Don’t worry, you’ll probably never meet another person in all the world that could turn your fancy even the slightest bit, so you’re safe from being bad because your convictions are so strong. Don’t worry about the person you’re married too either, how could they ever look at another person in a longing fashion, when they found that super-special person in you? I hope the sarcasm is evident, and I hope that people realize that the thought of being beloved by one person forever is enthralling, but not totally realistic.
Most of our experts on the subject would rally against my words, or disagree with the very premise of my argument from the word go. One of these would be Todd Outcalt, a Pastor who has written a number of helpful books dealing with the subject of religion, relationships and family. In his book Before You Say “I Do”, Outcalt discusses his belief that powerful monogamous intimacy is what holds a marriage together, but not the type you’re thinking of. Outcalt states: “But intimacy, by it’s very definition, has more to do with the depth of a relationship then sexuality” (5). For Outcalt believes that really knowing someone, not just physically, but emotionally and spiritually, is the key to keeping this union happy and fault free. On the opposite end of the spectrum we find Wiccan Priestess Regena Thomashauer, who herself has written quite a few helpful books, driven mainly towards women to empower themselves and find the Goddess within. With a strong sense of humor about love, society, and even her own faith, her marriage philosophy seems to follow the line of; you find a man, own him, operate him, drag to your cave and marry him, then can’t remember why? In her book, Mama Gena’s Marriage Manual, Thomashauer writes: “See, it’s all about sex. And no one tells you that. What makes a great marriage is when a women exists in an environment that allows her to feel hot and juicy and turned on and vibrant and alive all the time” (151). Which is a little different then what Pastor Outcalt told us, and I find myself somewhere in the middle. I feel that a ring and an overpriced one-day celebration can’t keep the human being from acting on its animal desires, though on the subject of relationships, both make good points. You do need a deeper knowledge of you partner to remain with them as Outcalt said, but to keep a women and keep her happy, is usually to keep her the way Thomashauer described, which should keep a man very happy as well.
Staying happy, that should be what a marriage is really based after, and what most people seem to completely forget in their plans. Money is at fault for much of this, since money seems to drive a wedge between people faster then all else. These problems could be avoided if people considered the person opposite them in a relationship might be around for a while. Money should be an after thought to love, but one of the first subjects when dealing with life, so the trick is to balance them. We don’t do that though, we neglect money issues or we dwell on them, and find it steals away both the physical and intangible aspects of a relationship. The trick is to keep them separate, but acknowledge they effect each other.
Americans aren’t thinking about that though; they seem more preoccupied with creating the perfect wedding, that seems more a veil over the senses than anything else. What are we looking for, that perfect sunny day where the virginal bride in white strides toward the handsome and able man, who she’s finally prepared to devote her purity and innocence too? This one man who has only eyes for her, and will work and provide and care for her and her alone. That he’ll build up a foundation for them, to create that white-picket fence, 2.5 children, dinner waiting at 5:00 pm every weekday dream which is right around the corner. Let’s not jest ourselves, people believe that the perfect wedding is the catalyst to make every day following perfect: which is a lie. Most people spend so much of their energy worrying about the wedding and how to make it right, when they should be thinking about living the next forty years with the same person. That’s the hard part, and it’s something Mama Gena and Pastor Outcalt agree on. Thomashauer writes to her fellow females: “Most likely, you started planning your wedding when you were a little girl. But did you lie back and dream about your marriage” (17). Outcalt echoed the sentiments of needing to consider the hard work of making this relationship last with his words: “Don’t give up the fight, but attempt to master the art of love” (252).
So what is it about a wedding that warrants it to be so damn important to people? Is it the expecting eyes of loved ones and family, who are all waiting with bated breath to make sure you can step into their standard of maturity and socially acceptable coupling? People should realize that the “Big Day” is merely the tip of the iceberg, and it’s the marriage itself that sinks the ship. One person who agrees with me is Laurie Essig, a professor of sociology, and a lesbian who feels legalizing gay marriage isn’t something to be that excited about. She touched on these feelings in her article; “Same Sex Marriage” for the magazine Salon. Essig wrote, to not just the gay community, but Americans in general: “If you’re insane enough to waste money on tacky clothes and bad cake, I’m not going to undermine you actions with a toaster over” (624). Her dark tone on the subject is needed, for in a society where a person can get married and divorced a dozen times in a year, is the “Big Day” all that big anymore?
With the above notions that the relationship is far more important than the wedding, the question should now be, what is making marriages fail? Perhaps it’s not the marriage itself, but the reasons why two people are married to begin with, and why they were not the right people for each other. This problem stems from people truly feeling that they have to be married, that it’s a goal in life, instead of something which would be nice to do one day. E. Mavis Heatherington, a professor of psychology at the University of Virginia warned of these foolish reasons in her book For Better or For Worse: Divorce Reconsidered. Heatherington wrote: “policies that constrain or encourage people to remain in destructive marriages - or that push uncommited couples to marry - are likely to do more harm then good” (607). Perhaps people should consider if that special someone, is someone they’ll feel is special in a few decades, rather then a few days.
All this talk makes marriage sound like a job, when to me, being married should be about love and trust, so finance, personal beliefs and living arrangements should fall into place or display the warning signs that it won’t work at all. If people want to get married, all I can say is good luck and here’s hoping the best for you. I’d like to hope that the wedding, though fun and exciting, isn’t all that important when compared to the relationship which came before it and after it. A relationship which should be based on tomorrow being a surprise, and that there is someone (yes some ‘one’ person) who you can depend on. That there’s always room for error, always a way to try fix mistakes, always room to rethink and reconsider decisions made, but above all, there always has to be love.
Subject: Post-Nuptial Depression 
Mon Nov 24, 2008 8:46 pm
