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 I've made a terrible mistake.

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Emmature
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PostSubject: I've made a terrible mistake.   Sat Sep 05, 2009 10:20 pm

Um, oops.

I'll do my best to be PG here. Should I fail in that, I welcome a mod deleting this.

So I've been in relationships my entire adult life. At 16 I met and fell in love with Jon. We had 2.5 years. Less than a week after we broke up I found Jason. We had 2 years. Three days later I hooked up with Ryan. We had almost 4 years. Before Ryan moved out I met my med school boy, who dumped me this summer because he was too busy with med school. I decided that I'm young, I'm happy, I might as well take the world on and say "screw you" to boys (or girls.... my tally excludes Amy, The Senator, and some other "youthful indisccresions" that happened in between my boyfriend points A and B).

So I worked on being single and happy. I had my fling with Dorian, but we knew it wouldn't last.

I thought I could just sleep with anyone and it would be no big thing if I did. i was wretchedly wrong.

Through a friend of a friend I met a fellow Art History Masters student- in accordance with how I disguise all names of lovers, lets call him Juan. Juan is from Columbia and wrote a thesis on conceptual art about the immagrant experience. He is tall, skinny and dark haired. He is TOTALLY what I go for.

One night we met for drinks, late in a local dive bar.

I went home with him.

Without getting into too much detail, we are NOT physically compatible.

I gave him 2 more chances, but no- no way.

Therein lies the problem- he really, REALLY likes me.

So here's my question: how do I let Juan down nicely? He's a nice guy, and we're intellectually compatible. Am i shallow for letting the physical get in the way of things?

Addendum: here's the biggest mistake of all, beyond sleeping with Juan on the first date-
I'm not really over Med School Boy OR Dorian. In fact, Dorian and I had a date last weekend, despite the fact that our relationship is over and we don't want to do anything long term (can you say mutual denial?)

So apparently I CAN'T just sleep with whoever and be a cool, liberated succubus. Feelings always get in the way. So here's where you guys come in: MAKE SENSE OF WHAT I SHOULD DO WITH THE HORRIBLE MESS I'VE WROUGHT!!!
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PostSubject: Re: I've made a terrible mistake.   Sat Sep 05, 2009 11:31 pm

God you scared me. I thought you had some kind of STD or something, or you were preg.

Your gonna be ok. It's not an awlful thing to feel for someone that your intamite with. I have an absolute belief that your never with someone without leaving a part of your soul with them and vice versa. Na na na! Even for those people that'll lie down in a mass orgy there's still gonna be some kind of leaving a part of oneself. No matter the circumstances.

Only you are gonna be able to decide for how much this guy means to you compaired to how um incompatable sexually you are. I can so see how it would really be a mistake if you were to end up waiting and maybe getting so involved to the point where he would ask you to marry him or something and then spring it on him. That would be a mistake.

God I really hate this... I hope his not one of those Your a whore kind of people if and when you just tell him it's just not working out for you. Even though I am not you, I think there's more to this than just the sexual part your not feeling. I've just never got it. When someone your dating tell you it's not working out ... their not happy.. why do people get so mad.

" Ok I'm not happy being with you, it's not working out for me, but I'll stay just so you won't be hurt or be upset." Now how does that work out. Huh? If someone didn't want to be with me, I don't want to hold them back from being happy. That's crap.

Did you tell him upfront that this was just'a playdate?
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PostSubject: Re: I've made a terrible mistake.   Sat Sep 05, 2009 11:49 pm

God Cyn, you're right on so many fronts. Thank you! condoms are always used. And I did tell him I wasn't in the market for a bf and that anything that happened would be meaningless. But he seems not to've taken that to heart, just as Dorian and I failed to apprreciate how perfect for one another we were.

So this is my horrible mistake: Thinking I could randomly hook up without consequences.
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PostSubject: Re: I've made a terrible mistake.   Sun Sep 06, 2009 12:01 am

Men and women are usually very diffrent that way.
It's not your fault and it's not anyone else's fault.I think sometimes people don't want to hear what you tell them,even when it's the truth.

It's odd,because when you share something with someone even just a moment to call it that not everyone goes away unscathed.
Getting naked with someone usually means allowing yourself to be vulnerable to and with that person.
It's understandable that sometimes feelings could develop from that.

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PostSubject: Re: I've made a terrible mistake.   Sun Sep 06, 2009 4:22 am

If it is that you are not sexually attracted to him, just tell him so. You can form a friendship with him even though you did get intimate and it failed. The guy will eventually get over you and find someone else he wants to be in a relationship with.

It's not being superficial to not go for a relationship when you are not sexually compatible with another.

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PostSubject: Re: I've made a terrible mistake.   Sun Sep 06, 2009 12:01 pm

Everyone has great points of advice here.

I just want to say that you should never feel shallow for not being physically attracted to someone. I think that a huge part of a successful relationship is to be both physically and mentally attracted to each other.

Let him know whats up. Maybe later after things have settled down, you can hang out as friends.

Its always nice to have a friend you can relate to. It might be awkward at first.
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PostSubject: Re: I've made a terrible mistake.   Sun Sep 06, 2009 2:31 pm

Emma: First things first. hug You're going to be OK. He will too.

Sometimes it's possible to work out sexual incompatibility, through good communication and a true desire to have one another be happy, but that works best when it looks like things could be serious and long-term -- in other words, maybe not here.

Fact is, you were up front about not wanting anything serious. You're not being a b!tch; you just don't want to be unhappy or in a LTR before you're ready again. So you have the right to tell him, "I can't do this" and if you want to, to add that you're still hurting from the end of a recent relationship. It's the truth.

I understand the frequent relationship thing. I think I fall into that category too. It's not deliberate; it's just that when you love, or when you're attracted, it's more than just physical for you. It's intellectual and emotional too -- it's OK, but it's more holistic than your average casual fling, and so you feel more of a pull.

I think if I were you, I'd pull back for a little while, for just enough solitude to listen to my heart (cheesy as that sounds, sometimes you think you know you, but your heart tells you otherwise). It's a chance to learn about what really does make you happy, and it can be for as long or as short a time as you need. "Need" is the key word here; take the time you need to feel better. And when you're ready for love/companionship again, enjoy it fully, but let him/her know you've been hurt and had to do some soul-searching. The other person might be able to relate; might even feel better about having done the same. Smile
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PostSubject: Re: I've made a terrible mistake.   Sun Sep 06, 2009 3:35 pm

I don't think it would be wrong for you to tell him that you didn't enjoy the under the covers experience. If it is that important to you then you should tell him it isn't working out. If you want to try to make it work you could always tell him his flaws.

I don't really think it is possible for most women to go into something like that and come out with no emotional issues or attachments. You have to remember, not only did you still like medical boy, but you are also torn for dorian. Those open wounds aren't going to heal faster just because you are trying not to look at it. You can't just cut your arm open look away and then magically be healed.


So since you do have a lot of hurt, the moving around and trying to find someone to take that away is making the wound worse. You need to take care of this before it infects other people and this whole situation become a world of fighting and hurt. It isn't easy, but it is the right thing to do.
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PostSubject: Re: I've made a terrible mistake.   Sun Sep 06, 2009 5:20 pm

Emma, mistakes are part of life and we learn from them (if we're smart). Dont beat yourself up about this babe, just give yourself some quality time and look after yourself.

If things in bed arent right with this guy then maybe it just isnt meant to be. Sex is not everything in a relationship but it is a very important part.

Just dont beat yourself up okay hug

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PostSubject: Re: I've made a terrible mistake.   Sun Sep 06, 2009 9:37 pm

Cyn,, Raven, Ginger, SPF, DCGG and Helen hug hug hug

Thank you so much! I knew I would get good advice here! Everyone made a different true point. I do need to take a step back and collect myself; think about what's right for the Emma. I also got some good advice from one of my closest male friends today. i've counseled him thru many a heartbreak and he reminded me that he's been let down and put down tons of times and he's still alive.

Since I see it as my calling to sow positivity around me, I do beat myself up whenever I cannot help but make another unhappy. But my friend is right and you're right, Helen, these things happen and I can't beat myself up.

thanks all for telling me that my feelings aren't shallow or petty and that it's okay to feel the way I feel. So now I'm spending a night in, drinking bad pink wine, pretending to be Edie Sedgwick and painting spiderwebs on my nails. (pictures to follow!)
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PostSubject: Re: I've made a terrible mistake.   Sun Sep 06, 2009 10:59 pm

^^let us know how it works out

bad pink wine...is it Franzia?
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PostSubject: Re: I've made a terrible mistake.   Mon Sep 07, 2009 12:49 am

haha, um... yes.
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PostSubject: Re: I've made a terrible mistake.   Mon Sep 07, 2009 3:17 am

Get some sangria or arbor mist... That always makes my mouth sing. I swear I can drink 4 bottles of that stuff and still not feel a thing.
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PostSubject: Re: I've made a terrible mistake.   Mon Sep 07, 2009 7:23 am

Emma, you and I are rollercoaster rides of fantastic mistakes and second-thoughts of the sexual adventures; arms across America to hug you in Texas.


Anywho,

I think everyone here who posted before me posted what was needed to be stated, but I think taking the sex-step on night one with this dude, negates the "we can work on it to make it better" idea. You haven't, nor do you need to, build on this interaction between you into a relationship. Sounds like it sucks and is a bit awkward, but that's the breaks, and you have to do what's best for you... sorry Juan.

You just have to let him down gently, don't insult his libido or damage his frail man-ego (because these ego's are a fragile bunch), which I don't think you will because you seem to generally like the guy as a person. Yet be plain enough to say "I don't think we'll work out on a number of levels". If he didn't believe or ignored the "I'm not looking for a boyfriend" line, then that is his problem though. The burden shouldn't fall on you to have to continue to tell him that, he needs to man-up and understand that two people can have a thing, respect each other, but not make a big thing out of it.

You're young, cute, smart; so now just isn't the time for you to become someone special to someone else, or to have someone be special in your life (I totally get that). Now is the time for you, after you've been so thoroughly connected as one-half of a series of couples for so long, to just be and do for yourself now. Will you have your fun along the way...you better, but the attachments afterward can only go so far.
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PostSubject: Re: I've made a terrible mistake.   Wed Sep 09, 2009 3:34 pm

Emma, sorry you're having such a hard time dear hug

Things like this happen to the best of us. You can't help it if you don't have chemistry with Juan. Things happen. I'm sure he'll get over it eventually.

It's completely normal to still have feelings for an ex. Through time, those feelings will fade, especially when you find mr. right. Don't give up dear hug
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PostSubject: Re: I've made a terrible mistake.   Wed Sep 09, 2009 7:09 pm

Thank you so much Angel! And especially Spooky- I really needed some more male input on the subject. I'm meeting Juan for coffee this evening so we can talk in person- I decided that's the respectable thing to do. I had just been ignoring his internet and phone attempts to contact me, but he deserves better. So we're going to discuss this like adults.

Then, I'm going to go get a new tattoo. A big purple ankh on my arm. And I'm going by myself. And I'm okay with that.
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PostSubject: Re: I've made a terrible mistake.   Thu Sep 10, 2009 8:07 pm

You went out, had some experiences, and learned some things about yourself. Can't be faulted for that. Part of finding what you want is finding what you don't want. I don't know if I'd consider it a mistake as the title of the thread would have us believe.

Hell, I'm almost 28 (how freakin' depressing) and have only just found out what it is I want in the last few months. I didn't even know what I wanted until I had it. Before then I only knew what I didn't want.

And good for you for talking to him proper in person.
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PostSubject: Re: I've made a terrible mistake.   Thu Sep 10, 2009 8:29 pm

Thanks. The meet-up went better than I had dared hope. You're right, I needn't be troubled by having made "a mistake." You live, you learn, all that jazz. Everything seems better in the world with a changed perspective on my "mistakes". I think it's all gonna be alright. Thanks Mal et al.
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